10 Things NOT to Say to a New Mom

By Jill Smokler

I have a friend who just had a baby. Like 99 percent of the population, she left the hospital looking like a semi-deflated version of the pregnant woman who checked in a couple days before. She had the signature pouch, the bloated feet, and the glazed look on her face. Like the rest of us. A few days later, at the baby’s well-visit, an elderly woman began cooing over the infant. “She’s gorgeous,” the woman announced. “And, you’re pregnant again, already?!”

How my friend didn’t attack this stupid woman, I’ll never understand. But, for her and all the other clueless people out there, here are 10 other things not to say to a new mother …

1. OMG! He/she looks just like your husband! We know. Zip it.

2. I lost all my baby weight in the hospital. There is simply no civil response to a statement like this.

3. Breast is best, you know. Yes, we’re aware of that. Mind your own damn business.

4. You look exhausted. No shit.

5. Awwww, did you really want a boy/girl (whichever one you didn’t end up with)? Yes! And fortunately babies come with an exchange policy, so we’re expecting to trade her in any day!

6. You sure have your hands full! Why, yes, yes we do. Want to lend one of yours?

7. She needs a hat. So do you. On your mouth.

8. He’s/She’s so small/big/long/short/thin/fat. In what world are these observations welcome?!

9. My baby was sleeping all night every night from birth. Well, then how about you come and sleep-train mine?

10. When are you having the next one?

[via The Stir]